I went to college, fully aware of what I wanted to study, fully aware that this crystal clear puddle of thought would stand a good chance of becoming muddled after freshman year. It hasn't been, which is a good thing.

Heres the problem:

I'm good at what I'm studying....this doesn't appear to be a problem, but it is.

You spend your days in class, learning to become of everyone's insecurities and shortcomings. Learning how to take a step back and analyze where these "flaws" are coming from. In essence, you learn to become more patient and tolerant of diversity and "imperfections."

Again, not a bad thing right? Until having a cup of coffee with a friend turns into me subconsciously cataloging how all of her percieved issues can be traced back to her relationship with her mother. Until listening to one of your male friends boast about something insignificant turns into "huh, I wonder what he's actually trying to cover up..."

I'm trying to make light of this, and to trivialize it, but when it comes right down to it its obnoxious and unavaoidable.

The worst part about it all is when it turns inward. Not to me looking at or analyzing my flaws, Lord knows I was doing that too much before I began thinking about the future ;).

No, understanding the brain and how it operates with things like depression.

Depression as a series of unpleasant emotions is ridiculously common, any high school student can tell you that. The bigger question with depression is whether or not these feelings are being experienced because of circumstance and how the subject is reacting to the world around them, or if they stem from a lack of certain chemicals in the brain.

The trick with depression that has nothing to do with brain chemicals is snapping out of it. Its realizing that life really isn't so bad and that whatever you're feeling is just a reaction to [insert stressful event here]. Even if this doesn't make you feel any better, it allows you to look at the problem objectively, to function as close to normally as possible. Typically this is easier for women, and all I can say to justify it is that its a pms thing ;)

Heres the thing though:
What do you do when you can identify every single issue thats fucking with you, but it doesn't make a lick of difference? What do you do when periodically throughout the day you have to wrap your arms around yourself to stop yourself from falling apart? What do you do when these problems just won't go away?

Being rationally aware of this kind of irrationality is making no difference. At all. Period. And neither is crying myself to sleep.

In case you didn't know, I fucking HATE crying.

Ya know what else doesn't help while I'm venting? When your best friends keep finding excuses to not hang out with you.....some friends eh?
Even worse when one guy in particular can find time for me....but only when his girlfriend is out of town. Ironic how I haven't heard from him since she got back.

And here I thought this summer was going to be different.....

The biggest shock of all? Its only been a freakin week.

"Yeah I might be crazy (thats not the same as insane) and I'm scared, but that's not the same as being afraid....
Would you get it if I told you that I want you and I need you? Aw that wouldn't say enough, hell
I love you.
How about that yeah?
If I shatter from the fall and I lose, I'd still want to swan dive into you"

I write this at my Grandmother's house, full of roast beef and Christmas cheer.

This year has been a pretty good year all things considered, and I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas.

I think its actually kind of funny... in the past I've opened this weblog, complained about family, cataloged and compared gifts.... This year I think the monetary value of  my gifts has been the largest...but instead of bragging I really just want to treasure them quietly, secretly. I love all of my gifts, am grateful for every single one...

I guess being in college away from everyone for so long and desperate for any reminder of the people I "left behind" has begun to take its toll.

Like I needed another sign of maturity to show huh? lol

Merry Christmas to all.